Since the loss of our daughter Riley Elizabeth, I have often wondered about the meaning of life? What is it all for? I began to ponder our existence on this earth and view it in a different light. There are so many things that we put an emphasis on and in the scheme of life they really do not matter much at all. What difference does it really make what type of car we drive, or the brand of tennis shoes we wear, or if we have a designer handbag? Those are all nice, but they add no value to our existence on this earth. It seemed after our loss that life could be snatched away in an instant with no notice.
I began to wonder if I would live to be a senior citizen and get my weekly discounts at the local coffee shop. Would I live to see my children marry and have children? Would I live to experience the joys of retirement after all of the years of hard work I have endured? I wanted to find a way to ensure that I lived a long, full, satisfied life.
I tried to think of every possible cause of Cancer so I could avoid it. Don't stand in front of the microwave or heat food up in Styrofoam. Be sure to buy organic veggies to avoid pesticides. I thought I should probably limit my trips in airplanes because I have absolutely no control and a safe landing is not guaranteed. Better yet, I decided to keep my cell phone away from any crucial body parts to avoid exposure to radiation. I know it sounds crazy, and irrational. But losing a child three weeks before the scheduled c-section date is about as crazy and irrational as it gets.
What I have learned since then is that no matter how hard I try to prolong my life, God is ultimately in control. I must live in the moment and trust that God has a plan. His plan may not look the way I want, but I trust that it is a good plan. I may not know how many days I have left on this earth, but I know there is a purpose for my life each day I am alive. And there was a purpose for Riley's life too...